Okaloosa County, FL – In a scene ripped straight from a rejected Police Academy sequel, a Florida sheriff’s deputy mistook a falling acorn for “silenced” gunfire, unleashing a barrage of bullets on an unsuspecting…well, suspecting nothing, because it was a handcuffed man in a patrol car.
The deputy, since identified as former (and hopefully forever-former) Deputy Hernandez, claimed he thought the sound of an acorn striking his vehicle was a suppressed gunshot. In a display of tactical prowess that would make Barney Fife blush, he supposedly felt an impact on his torso (from the acorn), collapsed in terror, and began firing wildly.
An internal affairs investigation deemed the incident “comical,” a word likely to be uttered less enthusiastically by the handcuffed detainee when he saw the bullet holes perforating his temporary lodging.
“I thought I was hit, man,” Hernandez tearfully explained in the IA report. “I rolled behind the car for cover and yelled ‘shots fired’ like, a million times.” Sadly, no one was there to remind him that yelling “shots fired” when he was the only one shooting is kind of redundant.
The incident has sparked outrage among tree-rights activists and squirrels, who are reportedly planning a protest march armed with particularly pointy acorns.