In a stunning revelation, experts now believe that the trifecta of the COVID-19 pandemic, load-shedding, and the general decay of services in South Africa is not just a series of unfortunate events but a well-orchestrated global disaster prep school. Yes, you heard it right – South Africa is apparently leading the world in conditioning society for the impending apocalypse.
Local sources confirm that the COVID-19 pandemic was nothing but a global-scale test to evaluate how humanity would respond to a catastrophe. It’s like a pop quiz for the world, and we all collectively failed, just like that time you forgot your pencil for an exam. The Grin Daily investigative team has uncovered classified documents (okay, they were left on a park bench) suggesting that this was a strategic move to downscale globalisation and make us appreciate load-shedding as a warm-up exercise for the real deal.
Government officials deny any wrongdoing, claiming that load-shedding is simply a creative way to help citizens embrace a minimalist lifestyle. “It’s like a digital detox but for your appliances,” said one official with a straight face, or at least we think it was straight – it’s hard to tell through a Zoom call with flickering lights.
But it doesn’t end there. The subpar quality of produce, artificial scarcities, and services that seem to be running on ancient hamster wheels are all part of the grand plan. It turns out that living in a dystopian society is excellent practice for the real thing.
Now, you may wonder what global catastrophe South Africa is preparing for. Is it a zombie apocalypse? An alien invasion? No, it’s something far more sophisticated – either a Carrington event or a close encounter with Apophis.
For those unfamiliar, a Carrington event involves an unimaginably big CME (Coronal Mass Ejection) hitting Earth while our magnetic field is taking a nap. It’s like Earth forgot to set an alarm for a potential space catastrophe. Alternatively, there’s the looming threat of Apophis, set to pass within 32,000 kilometres of Earth on Friday, April 13, 2029 – because why not make it extra ominous by picking Friday the 13th?
In conclusion, South Africa is not crumbling; it’s leading the charge in disaster preparedness. The rest of the world may be struggling, but we’re just getting warmed up. So, grab your candles, ration your toilet paper, and embrace the load-shedding – it’s all part of the master plan for the end of the world as we know it.
Tags: Opinion Satire